A couple of weeks ago, I heard my neighbors cat meowing, so I responded with a "meow" of my own. This went on for about 3-4 exchanges until I opened the door and found it was not a cat, it was just another dude meowing back at me. So many unanswered questions.

I have a key fob for my car. It’s set up so that if you hit the lock button once, it locks the car. If you hit the same lock button again, it locks it again and honks the horn so you know you’ve locked it for sure. The thing is, I always want to make super sure that it’s locked, but sometimes I come home to my condo super late, and my parking spot is right under someone else’s window. I noticed that if the key fob was farther away from the car when I hit the button twice, the honk was not as loud. So out of consideration, I would always wait till I was halfway up the stairs to do the double lock honk. What a great neighbor I am! Anyway, after maybe 2+ years of doing this, one time my girlfriend and I were in my condo and I realized I needed something out of my car. So I go down there but when I get there I realize I had forgotten my keys. Well, I had my phone, so I called my girlfriend and asked if she would stick her arm out the window with the key fob and unlock my car. She mistakenly hit the lock button twice and my car honked. Really loudly! Even though she was all the way up on the third floor! It was only then I realized...the honk was always the same. It only sounded softer when I was farther away...because I was farther away. I have a master’s degree...

I once threw a stone high in the air directly above me. Absolutely no reason for that, just because I could I guess. Instead of walking away, I kept standing there, looking at the stone falling down until it was too late to move. I still managed to put my hands up protecting my head, hurt a lot anyway. I don't think I'll ever win a Nobel prize.

My coworker asked if there is lactose in eggs, I thought to myself "they both come from the same animal, so maybe". For 5 seconds, I thought milk came from chickens.

When I was cleaning out my shed in the back, I stepped on a rake and the pole smacked me in the face. Literally, like the cartoons. It happened three more times before I came up with the bright idea to move the rake.

Fixing a clogged sink by removing the drain pipe and thoroughly rinsing it underneath the tap of the sink I just removed the drain from.

One time I microwaved a single mozzarella stick for 30 seconds. It seemed an appropriate amount of time. When it was done I popped it in my mouth to eat it. It was molten lava hot. As it seared the inner workings of my mandible my brain began screaming "get rid of it!" So I did. By swallowing it. I felt the burn travel down my esophagus and into my stomach. It hurt so bad. It was only made worse by my friend laughing hysterically at me and exclaiming that even dumb dumbs know to spit it out.

I once had a brain fart and forgot that porcupines were animals. I was hanging out with my family and my niece mentioned that her favorite animal was a porcupine, and I laughed for a good long time before explaining to her that porcupines weren't animals. I'd gotten them mixed up with pine cones. I have a graduate degree. My niece was maybe 6 at the time. She schooled me.

I wanted to make cookies for my mom that spelled "mom" and I ordered one "o" and two "m" cookie cutters

Made some soup on the stove in a saucepan and poured it into a bowl and some of the soup dripped down the side of the boiling saucepan so I licked it

One time i was thinking about aqua from Konosuba and I thought "natural blue hair isn't real, but what about blue eyes?" I have blue eyes. I have blue eyes and I was questioning their existence.

Wanted to light a candle. Struck a match. Changed my mind about which candle I wanted to light, and decided to light a Yankee jar candle instead. Couldn't get the lid off with one hand. Stuck the lit match in my mouth so I could use both hands to get the lid off. Couldn't smell the scented candle. Could only smell singed nose hair for days.

While helping my girlfriend make dinner one night we needed some lemon juice and she asked me to squeeze a lemon. Now logic would dictate you cut the lemon in half before you squeeze the juice out of it, but not this brilliant [guy]. No sir! I just squeezed the [hell] out of it, rolling and palming it in my hand until the peel finally broke, releasing the lemon juice into a bowl as requested. Needless to say, when she turned and saw what I had done she was amazed (probably by my impeccable ability to follow orders). She then asked how I ever managed to live alone, and I'm pretty sure that's why I'm not allowed in the kitchen anymore.

I locked my car keys in the trunk of my car, hours later when I got my keys out, I proceeded to reenact what happened to my friends, complete with actually locking my keys in the trunk again...

I was sitting in traffic, and I noticed that all the other lanes were moving while mine hadn't budged an inch. I craned my neck trying to see what the hold up was, and finally figured out that I wasn't in a lane at all, but had been patiently waiting behind a line of parked cars.

A couple months ago, my husband and I went on a walk. There are a lot of trails where we live and a couple of lakes. So we walked down a trail to the lake, turned left up another trail, and ended up at the top of a street. We start walking down the street and I realize there is a house that has a wishing well in their front yard like we do. I point it out to my husband and then I realize they have the same truck we do, too. I point out the truck and then I realize that we were in front of our own house. It wasn't my brightest moment.

I snuck out to do teenagerly things at around midnight and got back at around 4 in the morning. I very slowly, agonizingly slowly, took my keys out of my pocket, selected the correct key, inserted it into the front door lock at a speed of one tumbler per fortnight, rotated it counterclockwise while palming the rest of the keys so as to not let them jingle and successfully unlocked the door. I removed the key from the lock at the same snails pace and put my keys back in my right front pocket. I went to reach for the doorknob and rang the doorbell. That was when I died.

I went my whole life thinking the saying was "the ghost is clear" instead of "the coast is clear". Im 21 just found out yesterday at work lol

Once I picked up a lemon, wondered “do lemons bounce?”, and immediately threw it on the ground. It was the last lemon. They don’t bounce.

Three times now, I have taken the cap off of a tube of super glue and put it in my mouth to hold it. Three. Times.

Had a biscuit in hand and the ear phone in the other. Put the biscuit in ear and ear phone in mouth. At work. Why must I be such a disappointment.

I frequently see a man cross a four-lane road near my home. We have a fairly similar schedule and I see him often. He's well-known in the neighborhood and he's deaf. NBD. I once slowed down as he crossed the four lane in driving, white-out, downpour rain and I though to myself, aw man, he doesn't know it's raining because he's deaf.

Put some hot, boiling sauce into a shot glass to let it cool down for tasting. Do something else for ten seconds. Spot shot glass 'Ah right I wanted to check the taste'. Proceed not to gently suckle on it, but down the still almost boiling, fatty fluid into my mouth like cold vodka.

A few years ago I googled "do the people upstairs have a cat?" and it has never left me :/

Worked in kitchens for over a decade. Put a metal pan in the microwave to heat something up.

Sent a text to my friend telling him he left his phone with me.

I drove over a mattress. It was in an alley in a puddle, I thought I would glide right over it. Thing got stuck in my tire well, had to call a tow truck to lift my car and beat it out with a hammer. Next morning found that it had punctured my front left tire and had to get a new one. Did another dumb thing by thinking I get a whole new wheel not just tire so ditched my wheel by the dumpster and then drove to the garage on a flat spare only to be sent home to get my wheel also. It was a bad day or two.